for those who couldn't be with me ...

watch & replay as needed

(for greater impact expand)

frustration. 
its the inability to obtain an objective as planned.


frustration, followed by anger, followed by a feeling of defeat that once again the objective has not come into fruition as planned. or has YET to come into fruition as planned. 


then decision time. time to decide to keep pushing forward in the original direction (try, try again) or. alternate the course of action to ultimately achieve the aforementioned objective (we have all heard the definition of insanity). 


so. stay the course? stay the course. 


perhaps a change in expectation of fruition is what ultimately needs to be changed. 
that. 
and. 
my lioness raw (aka whip crackin') may need a tune up. 




breathe.
deep.


i'm keepin my eyes on the prize. 

inner monologue exposed: coffee pot & mug

its been two weeks. two weeks without coffee. two freakin weeks. the coffee pot already has mold inside of it. wtf. 


i'm not mad about the mold. 
well, maybe. 


just made me think of the amount of weeks i would go without cleaning my coffee mug. 
it's a starbucks mug. $20 coffee mug. bought it cause it looked cool.
not dishwasher safe. wtf.


i washed it in the dishwasher for the first time last week. 


wonder if it will still keep coffee warm for two days straight without being opened. 
still looks freakin cool. 

TESTING, TESTING, 1, 2, 3...

They say hindsight is always 20/20. We make the excuse that we were young, naive or the pertinent information was just not available at the time. Going forward how do you implement your new found knowledge of the world?

Unlike school, it's not a lesson plan that is taught, studied and learned and then we are tested... we are tested and then we learn. This process of testing and learning is repeated until we no longer exist. What is so humbling about this idea is it's revelation is can bring. The repeated testing is not an idea of being beaten or battery but challenges. Be tested and pass!

Sharpen your skill set. Instead of reactive become pro active. Anticipate moves by understanding who you are working with. Know. Know who you surround yourself with. Take a fine tooth comb to who you interact with while at work and play. What do you talk about? What activities do you partake in? What do THEY talk about and partake in? How are these topics/activities shaping you and what reactive/proactive moves are you making?

Remember this IS a test.

Live without regard

I may not always have it figured out.
I may wake up too late and just throw my hair in a bun, wipe the sleeps from my eyes and come into the office.
I may yearn for something but don't know what.
I may feed my boredom with food at times.
I may use a large pillow to simulate another soul laying next to me.
I may forget to brush my teeth on day's I've spent hours getting ready.
I may blow on my coffee for an insufficient amount of time before burning the shit out of my mouth.
I may blow on my coffee for an exaggerated and borderline inappropriate amount of time before taking the tiniest sip of my coffee.
I may not always have it figured out.
I may have some off-the-wall ideas.
I may disregard your discern for those same ideas.
I may try.
I may fail.
I may savor.
I may not always have it figured out.
I may risk.
I may reward.
I may learn.
I may love.
I may learn.
I may not always have it figured out.
I may fuck up.
I may suck up.
I may be brutally honest.
I may watch.
I may dance.
I may cry.
I may cry while dancing.
I may laugh.
I may not always have it figured out.
but I will always live with out regard.

The Crush Rush

Ever just take a step back and look at your life. As it is right now. View yourself in 3rd person? The good, bad and fucked up? Try and see your life through a different perspective? Remove your inner thoughts and motivations and just look at the actions. Notice a pattern?

I do this often. What I like to dissect are the inner workings of my life. Take career, social or fashion sense. What do other's see in me? What can I learn from it? Is it how I want to be perceived? Are there area's of notification I had not noticed in myself?

It doesn't take much to just slip into this thought processes for me anymore because I do it all the time. I just had an unusual revelation: when it comes to relations with the opposite sex, it's all about the newest challenge.

I set my sights on the most challenging (or what I deem the most challenging at the time). The challenge is to reverse the situation. I see, I want, I get, I move on. It's all about the challenge now. I'm a challenge junkie. There is a sort of rush to it all.

So, what happens when someone worth keeping around, comes around? Has he already came and gone? Will I know he's a keeper? Will the challenge be reciprocated? Will it be reversed, meaning will I have to challenge myself to stay?

Only time will tell, I'm told.

Jonesing for fall.

The apples are delicious. The weather is simply amazing. The colors are brilliant. The fashions are inviting and the loom of the holiday's is surprisingly enticing. (I know I'm shocked too...)

All I need is comfy sweater, classic pair of black leggings, ankle boots, a scarf, a protein hot cocoa drink (to replace my starbucks mocha, which are very tasty--think swiss miss) a fire place, a fine looking man and an animal.... *BLISS*

As I went to get groceries today; a rather mundane task to some but to me it is a constant reminder of how much TERRIBLE food I still crave. As I was checking out I rather impromptu-itively bought a Real Simple magazine. Its full of delicious recepies, fantastic fall decorating ideas and simple fashion for those women who can only manage simple fashions. I didn't buy the magazine for the fashion section... but rather the cover. Weird. I know. As I drove home I could help but ask myself "Why am I so nesty?" No worries, I'm not prego-- but weird how fall has got me all ready to prepare for winter.

Perhaps preparing for winter could be a little more fun if you have someone to spend winter with. Sorry, folks no official details yet... But let's just say.... I MIGHT have someone to hold me tight during those long winter nights.... ;)

nothing like a little lonely rain and a glass of wine on a monday night

I have built a wall so thick, women envy and men don’t understand. No one gets in, and I don’t get hurt. It has never been broken down and I like it that way. I can “love” you from a distance and when all is said and done I’m still protected. So when you hurt, I don’t. When you wonder what I’m doing, you’re far from my mind. When you cry, I laugh. When you call, I watch it go to voicemail. I wonder if you’ll leave a message, but even if you did I still wouldn’t call you back.

You’ve flanked my wall.

How the hell did you flank my wall? Why am I wondering what you doing, now? Why am I crying, now? Why do I replay that damn video on my phone just to see your goofy nose and hear you make that goofy voice? You remember one from Easter? I’m laughing in the background—the happy laugh-- that kills me. Why do those details of intimate moments flood my mind right before I close my eyes at night? I see you everywhere we used to be and wonder where you are now. I miss your voice, your gentle touch, your lips. I miss the way you squeeze me tight in the middle of a hug. It’s been so long, so why now? Why am I the one missing you and you have a wall so thick?

One Hand in my Pocket...

Patsy Cline plays in the background, bearded college kids hover over their macbooks, and intellectuals clamor over the latest Harry Potter movie. Ah the coffee house. The most granola of coffee houses in Lincoln Nebraska. It’s the closest I can get to New York (outside of my studio apartment glued to all six seasons of sex and the city). The attendants even give you shit if you don't show your face at least once a month. Accusing you of taking drips from other tasteless brewing houses. But even the walk itself, down to the coffee house also make it semi-New York; with the tallest buildings topping off at the 20th floor, line 13th street from my small studio to re-caffeination-heaven. With each passing day my passion for finding myself in New York grows deeper. I recently ran across (and by run across I mean frantically looked for) my pictures from my one-and-only trip to NY thus far. I was all of 15 and in a day dream the entire time. I was drunk with excitement, mesmerized by the sea of yellow cabs, the ear piercing sirens, and in love with the buildings that have brunch with the sun. A world so hectic it could only be called New York. And from New York to Nebraska, one picture has detain my enthusiasm and has found a place on my fridge in my small New York-like studio.


Authors note: as cliche as the I Heart NY is, I (in my older state of mind) find it imperative that the first trip to the city should include an investment in the 50/50 blend $15 shirt. And (in my younger stated of mind) found it too cliche to bring myself to purchase. (Really?!)

Cheerios for dinner

Sometimes when you get everything you want it seems undeserved. While gratitude is something that I value very much as I sit in my very own apartment my confidence is slipping slowly. And amusingly there is no one to tell or express my lack of confidence. I have succumbed to my own fears in my own corner of the world. I can sit on the couch that I paid for eating cheerio’s that I paid for; slurp the excess milk from the bowl that I paid for at eleven at night. But the memory of the three of them sitting there with a look of sadness and confusion burns into my soul and asks the question: what is it really worth?

Text messages won't suffice

Strange how people come in and out of our lives. Even more strange is the length of time of which they are or are not in our lives and how that affects us and the impact the time frame (big or small) has.

If I could understood why only three hours of drunken stuper effects weeks of daily sober life then I think I might be able to avoid hours of wandering thoughts later.

The ability to recall touch and emotion when completely alone is devastating and yet possessing all the same.

Not all is lost but nothing has gained...