appreciation and tryptophan

In this day of giving thanks for all of our blessing, misfortunes and lessons learned I have reflected a bit on the past year.

To say I have grown and learned is an understatement. From men to finances I have gone through the ringer with them all. Out of all the WTF and the "Transaction Not Approved" moments I have learned, grown and despite some of the most dim moments I still believed I could do more, be more, have more, share more, care more, and love more.

And more than the growing and learning is the CHANGE I see in it all. I am witnessing my own rebound from the negative, the idle life, the complacency of it all.
MOVEMENT FORWARD.
it is so exciting to see my life progress in the direction I have imagined. From vision board to reality, one-step-at-a-time.
Life can be faster than you know what to think and sometimes it can be baby steps. To recognize the progression no matter the pace, this is key.

With all this gratefulness in my life today, I am going to appreciate my physical location with a trip to the beach.

Pacific Ocean + Ukulele = relaxing Turkey Day.

truth is:

it's time for a true confession.

I have never felt love, true, real, pure love will ever happen to me.

i hate to admit the sad truth. maybe that's why i secretly sabotage anything close to me. maybe that's why i mock it. maybe that's why i hold the body pillow while i sleep and not an actual body.

i read about it. i hear about it. i watch about it. but i don't feel it.
money seems easier to obtain than love.
i can put together a plan-- put in TRUE effort and with X amount of effort i can get X amount of dollars. love doesn't work that way. can't make someone love you because you put in the effort.

money is linear. money is real. money is obtainable.
truth is: i have more money than love. and i don't have much money.

The Crush Rush

Ever just take a step back and look at your life. As it is right now. View yourself in 3rd person? The good, bad and fucked up? Try and see your life through a different perspective? Remove your inner thoughts and motivations and just look at the actions. Notice a pattern?

I do this often. What I like to dissect are the inner workings of my life. Take career, social or fashion sense. What do other's see in me? What can I learn from it? Is it how I want to be perceived? Are there area's of notification I had not noticed in myself?

It doesn't take much to just slip into this thought processes for me anymore because I do it all the time. I just had an unusual revelation: when it comes to relations with the opposite sex, it's all about the newest challenge.

I set my sights on the most challenging (or what I deem the most challenging at the time). The challenge is to reverse the situation. I see, I want, I get, I move on. It's all about the challenge now. I'm a challenge junkie. There is a sort of rush to it all.

So, what happens when someone worth keeping around, comes around? Has he already came and gone? Will I know he's a keeper? Will the challenge be reciprocated? Will it be reversed, meaning will I have to challenge myself to stay?

Only time will tell, I'm told.

Jonesing for fall.

The apples are delicious. The weather is simply amazing. The colors are brilliant. The fashions are inviting and the loom of the holiday's is surprisingly enticing. (I know I'm shocked too...)

All I need is comfy sweater, classic pair of black leggings, ankle boots, a scarf, a protein hot cocoa drink (to replace my starbucks mocha, which are very tasty--think swiss miss) a fire place, a fine looking man and an animal.... *BLISS*

As I went to get groceries today; a rather mundane task to some but to me it is a constant reminder of how much TERRIBLE food I still crave. As I was checking out I rather impromptu-itively bought a Real Simple magazine. Its full of delicious recepies, fantastic fall decorating ideas and simple fashion for those women who can only manage simple fashions. I didn't buy the magazine for the fashion section... but rather the cover. Weird. I know. As I drove home I could help but ask myself "Why am I so nesty?" No worries, I'm not prego-- but weird how fall has got me all ready to prepare for winter.

Perhaps preparing for winter could be a little more fun if you have someone to spend winter with. Sorry, folks no official details yet... But let's just say.... I MIGHT have someone to hold me tight during those long winter nights.... ;)

nothing like a little lonely rain and a glass of wine on a monday night

I have built a wall so thick, women envy and men don’t understand. No one gets in, and I don’t get hurt. It has never been broken down and I like it that way. I can “love” you from a distance and when all is said and done I’m still protected. So when you hurt, I don’t. When you wonder what I’m doing, you’re far from my mind. When you cry, I laugh. When you call, I watch it go to voicemail. I wonder if you’ll leave a message, but even if you did I still wouldn’t call you back.

You’ve flanked my wall.

How the hell did you flank my wall? Why am I wondering what you doing, now? Why am I crying, now? Why do I replay that damn video on my phone just to see your goofy nose and hear you make that goofy voice? You remember one from Easter? I’m laughing in the background—the happy laugh-- that kills me. Why do those details of intimate moments flood my mind right before I close my eyes at night? I see you everywhere we used to be and wonder where you are now. I miss your voice, your gentle touch, your lips. I miss the way you squeeze me tight in the middle of a hug. It’s been so long, so why now? Why am I the one missing you and you have a wall so thick?

Fall is in Order

On my walk here today I notice something.
I must say this is the earliest I have ever noticed.
(Usually my rate of observation on this particular thing is quite late, until blatantly obvious.)

The trees have started their decent into fall.

Funny how trees have a highlighted awareness for the chill in the air just before the turn. They prepare and ready themselves for the brutal winter. But I don't poses such skills.

A young tree, who's frost came early. ouch.

__________________

Life has seemed to be a bit hairly lately. grown-up shit.
I guess I can't ignore them anymore-- time to face the demons.

Over due Post: Final Notice

My sincerest apologies for the delay in posts. I have been quite busy since the last word was typed. So here is an agenda for the topics to be discussed today:

1. apartment, update
2. love department
3. career moves
4. higher education
5. love/depression for rain
6. tan lines
7. SPRING is SPRINGING!
8. photo opp
9. jet lagged
... lets begin...

1. Apartment, updated: Today marks the official two month mark for leaving the nest. Still very organized (of course), clean (double of course) and empty fridge syndrome. Yes, a struggling college student can have a very sweet apartment and yet still have a very empty fridge. I do have all the condiments tho-- don't you worry, all name brand as well-- because those taste the best, duh.

Thus far I have killed three (yes, 3) fish. Harold lived 2 days, Hinkley made it just past the 24 hr mark and Lucky Bastard (who didn't turn out to be so lucky) lived a measly 17 hrs. The Fish Store (from whom I purchased all three fish) thinks I'm a crazed Fantail Goldfish killer. Please don't suggest I get a Beta, because not only will you be the um-teenth person to suggest it but it will be the um-teenth time I have told someone I HATE Betas (and no, I don't think they are pretty...)!

2. Love Department: The date with Love Library did land a second date but I stopped returning calls after that. It was a mad scientist I was not mad for. However, a prior intrigue (those may remember the fling around New Years) suddenly flooded my thoughts. He had been out of town for training for the last two months and curiosity struck if might be back. A friendly text turned into a returned friendly call that turned into a few more friendly call/texts, turned an intrigue into a boyfriend. Yesterday was the oh-so-coveted three week point. He has two children and an ex-wife but he is a great father, a respectful man, and a good human being. His judgment is level headed, his way with money is conservative and views of marriage, family and lifestyle match mine. I am being cautious with my heart and honest with my feelings. My fear is not of falling in love but of failing to see it coming (this might be the one occasion I don't appreciate a surprise). But of course this is just the third week of the relationship, we have a lot of "getting to know you" done. (it works best if you sing the "getting to know you"...)

3. Career Moves: I have spoken with a few members of the Lincoln Arts Council. They will be taking my nomination to the May meeting for executive board member. I would be the youngest on the board but that's exactly what they are looking for. I have a lot of what they are looking for and they can give me some good connections/networking opportunities as well. I have really good feelings about this one. :)

4. Higher Education: It is the end of dead week which means finals week is only two days away. I am lucky (?) enough to have my only paper, final exam (essay), and quiz on Monday. YAY, me. AND when finals are done... SUMMER school. You should be jealous...

5. Love & depression for rain: Rain is great but a full seven days of it can make a girl depressed. And that's exactly what happened. The last 48 hrs contained a lot of crying. But the bestest friend in the world made me cupcakes. The world is a much better place with cupcakes- yellow cake with chocolate frosting cupcakes. Its amazing what booze, best friends, cupcakes and perhaps a little sunshine can do.

6. Tan lines: Speaking of sun! Prior to all this damn rain was some very hot-n-sunny days. I have found my weekend spot for tanning over the summer (forget tanning beds, gross). The campus fountains- if its too hot, just take a dip and keep that tan up. The only downer is some major tan lines. Tank tops, bra straps its a mess, but I will cope some how. :)

7. SPRING is SPRINGING: Today is May 1st. weird. Its hard to believe the date, and hard to believe the trees have leaves BUT it is and they do! I'm loving it--

8. Photo Opp: I have sold my official third piece of work. The score: Art Show=2, Noyse=0, Zen's= 1. Time of display's Art Show=3 hrs. Noyse= 3 mo., Zen's= 1 mo.

9. Jet Lagged: Over the last two months I have traveled to Scottsdale AZ as well as the ever-crazy New Orleans LA (we should have just stayed on Bourbon street) and will be making the great voyage with Julia and Jenna to Oshkosh this month. Stay tuned for endless enjoyment that is my life...