frustration. 
its the inability to obtain an objective as planned.


frustration, followed by anger, followed by a feeling of defeat that once again the objective has not come into fruition as planned. or has YET to come into fruition as planned. 


then decision time. time to decide to keep pushing forward in the original direction (try, try again) or. alternate the course of action to ultimately achieve the aforementioned objective (we have all heard the definition of insanity). 


so. stay the course? stay the course. 


perhaps a change in expectation of fruition is what ultimately needs to be changed. 
that. 
and. 
my lioness raw (aka whip crackin') may need a tune up. 




breathe.
deep.


i'm keepin my eyes on the prize. 

No you can not murder me!

Dear Random-Facebook-Friend who has started a Poke War with me,

don't get pissed via FB chat when I turn you down for drinks on a Tuesday night. let me list the reasons for you:
1. you poked me before we were ever friends.
2. it's creepy. i have NEVER met you, you could be the next CraigstList murderer (fb style).
3. it was lovely of you to assume i am completely-obligation-free-RIGHT-this-minute. i can see you are very understanding of other peoples time.
4. when i say "lol well I'm gonna have to pass tonight, sorry. I'm actually not drinking for this month... just a fitness goal I want to get to and drinking does nothing to help get me there" i'm ACTUALLY telling the truth.
5. a snarky reply i.e."ohh ok well u couldve said id show up just to conversate and have some juice or water however cool enjoy" is a sure way to get me to NOT ever:
   A. return a Poke
   B. return a chat message or
   C. think of grabbing "drinks" with you ever again.


sincerely,
the over-protective, MB.

ps. I hate the "word" conversate... the word converse is so much more concise.

_______________________________________

For you're viewing pleasure here is my first, only, and entire conversation:
(enjoy!)

Today

Report · 9:11pm

where are u Mary lets have a quick drink instead of a poke 

Report · 9:11pm

lol I'm in Omaha... where are you?

Report · 9:13pm

I jus got into omaha..can u meet me at the parliament for a quick drink

or the myth downtown

just one or two tuesday night drinks will help u sleep better [<------ CREEEEEEEPY!]

Report · 9:17pm

lol well I'm gonna have to pass tonight, sorry. I'm actually not drinking for this month... just a fitness goal I want to get to and drinking does nothing to help get me there

Report · 9:18pm

ohh ok well u couldve said id show up just to conversate and have some juice or water however cool enjoy

 creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

if only I could pick up a date at the store to match my shoes.

its holiday party season. so you know what that means.... new shoes, new dress and finding a date.

I can handle getting new shoes and a dress (since I truly have none that fit) but I'm pissed-- year after year I STILL have to search for a damn date. And I'm not talking look for a new one... I mean full-on SEARCH! I try different crews, different cities, different ages and... yet... they are all unacceptable for a simple, holiday, party. were talking a 3 hour commitment here.

What is this business?? I can't find a decent date for three hours in a tie and suit jacket how in the hell am I supposed to find one I could live with the rest of my life? EVEN after all the weight loss-- no closer to finding a holiday party date, really!? ... ok.

So do I learn the lesson from last year and go dateless rather than settle for a man with a tie a suit jacket? OR find someone who's free for three hours on dec. 3rd that I can dress up, throw on my arm, smile pretty, pretend we are happy and then drop him off at his mom's house after he's had is fill of free corporate-politically-correct-holiday-dinner?

Don't worry about my name...

I got this... don't worry bout it!

I'm gonna bring home that bacon! Find the most delicious man you can find! Rock the hell outta this swag and burn the competition before they even know my name.

Don't try and anticipate my moves, don't try and out do my moves. Save yourself the embarrassment and just stop. now. I have already shut this thing down it's just a matter of time before you realize it. Better yet.... keep doing your thang! It will ONLY make me look better. Fools keep talking while the wise keep watching.

No need to woo anyone with your bright colors and fancy hand gestures; they know the real deal when they see it. AND if they don't see it at first... just give them six months.... after your perfume wares away and the cloud of false-excitement fades only the truth will be standing tall, slender, strong and sexy as hell.

Faux Freind Bull

We all have em, the faux friend, its bull shit but for some reason we keep them around. They usually make us feel better about ourselves (they are either really ugly, the party way to much, they are bigger than you, they sleep around, or whatever your judgment). We keep their number stored for the moment we need a boost. Need to get out of the house and no-one is down for a triple shot of Jager on a Tuesday night, call up the party girl, you know she's already on her way out the door before you even say Jager. Sometimes faux friends really do come in handy.

Throughout this process of loosing weight I'm focusing on me. Its what is needed in order to accomplish such a feat but there are other areas of myself I am noticing besides the weight loss. It is the amount of time and energy devoted to people/projects that are not worth my time, let alone my energy. I am realizing that I have been bending over backward for my fuax friends. It angers me to realize this foolery I have made of myself. I can't go forward like this. I will no longer be your fuax friend who makes you feel thinner, more accomplished, etc. Sorry, just have too much I need to focus on to be waiting on you.

Fake whoo-hoos.

I came back to work from my 10th workout day-in-a-row, needing to celebrating my accomplishment. The nearest lending ear happened to be my cube-neighbor who dully responded only after hearing the fact that this day marked the 10^th day of… "who hoo..".

I'll stop rubbing my intention to be skinny and do something with my life; it’s clearly a resounding effect of an annoying Chi Wawa. Instead I will explain with my actions that I am not a complacent, middle of the road, overweight soccer mom, who once had dreams but got knocked up and gained 150 lbs, minivan driving, over compensating kind of person.

Nope, I hear you talking shit, like “Oh someday you will change your mind…” bull… I hear it but I don’t accept it, a turn my head and walk away from it. Cocky? No, confident that I am nothing like you. Confident that I am capable, ready, able and stable enough to achieve all that I wish. Confident that my life will span far beyond my years, touch lives beyond my knowledge, and bring meaning to more than those who are legally bound to me in the eyes of the law or who I birthed. You average Jane’s can keep hating cause its only motivating me more to do more than they EVER dreamed they could achieve.

Single bashing..

What is up with all the single bashing lately? Geesh!
Seriously, here's an example of a facebook status update I saw just today: ..."is realizing that the single life requires a totally different emotional outlook on life. Borderline cold-hearted..."

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and a planned girls night out for Sunday. The infamous Anchor Inn, an Omaha drunken-Memorial-day-weekend-bash, was the hoping place to be seen on this particular Sunday afternoon. So the ladies and I toted ourselves down and the single ladies of the group prepared for a night of booze, bonding and boys; while the taken members of our group coaxed their significant others that they would continue to be loyal and safe.

Not long after arriving at the Inn, text messages swarmed in from concerned third parties, which distracted such subjects from truly enjoying her time with her friends. Her focused attention to her male counterpart via text message was so consuming I never actually held a conversation with her while she was partaking in "ladies night".

As the evening progressed the majority (aka the non-singles) claimed they were tired, hungry, "not-feeling the Anchor Inn" (aka any excuse to leave). The cover was a whopping $10 to just join the party and thus they left the Inn. I continued to pursue the booze, bonding and boys portion of the evening with my other single friend.

To my dismay I later found out that all three non-single women had fled the "ladies night" out to spend with their man.

Forgive me if I am not particularly warm to the idea of friends who are in relationships. I'm tired of being the back-up source of fun/friend/confidant/etc.

Be real with me or don't be a friend with me at all. I'm not an instrument to be played, I am a friend you can be honest with me. If you can't be honest with me then you can't be honest with yourself. If you think I would agree with the truth then you are seriously mistaken or its not the truth. Don't disappoint me but most of all NEVER disappoint yourself.

I am usually patient and relaxed, happy even, but I have come to the end of my rope. What happens when I am the only single friend? Maybe its just time to get new friends... single. friends.

Just when you think you've got it all figured out.... you don't.

Last week was the week from hell. Up-down, Back-forth, Yes-no, CAN WE PLEASE COME TO A CONCLUSION?

I'm a decisive person but the universe made it VERY difficult for urgent matters to proceed with any certainty. My current state of employment is also very much in-limbo, just adding to the insanity that was/is my life.

I would like to think that roller-coaster effect of this last week has past. John has stepped down from his role as Director/Producer from the show and I have taken his place as Director with Ashley coming into my past role as Producer. Since the transition of roles (a whopping 5 hours ago): delegations have began, progress has commenced, and that once very dim light at the end of the tunnel is now a steady beam of consistency.... Breathe in the new week with a grace and positivity!.... oh and hold on.... cause this ride is JUST taking off!

CAUTION: Hot Steam...

... excuse me while i vent:

don't tell a (single) girl "you're too pretty to be single." so not only am i single but your telling me i shouldn't be because... ok. worst compliment ever. either im a huge bitch and no one can stand me or your lieing.

don't tell me you have two finals the next day so you can't come out tonight and then post on your facebook status your out and about enjoying your irish heritage. your black. stop pretending you wish were a ginger. oh and stop lieing.

please make sure to pay your gas/water bill before leaving for vaca while your new roommate gets stuck without gas/water AND the bill.



that is all.