for those who couldn't be with me ...

watch & replay as needed

(for greater impact expand)

appreciation and tryptophan

In this day of giving thanks for all of our blessing, misfortunes and lessons learned I have reflected a bit on the past year.

To say I have grown and learned is an understatement. From men to finances I have gone through the ringer with them all. Out of all the WTF and the "Transaction Not Approved" moments I have learned, grown and despite some of the most dim moments I still believed I could do more, be more, have more, share more, care more, and love more.

And more than the growing and learning is the CHANGE I see in it all. I am witnessing my own rebound from the negative, the idle life, the complacency of it all.
MOVEMENT FORWARD.
it is so exciting to see my life progress in the direction I have imagined. From vision board to reality, one-step-at-a-time.
Life can be faster than you know what to think and sometimes it can be baby steps. To recognize the progression no matter the pace, this is key.

With all this gratefulness in my life today, I am going to appreciate my physical location with a trip to the beach.

Pacific Ocean + Ukulele = relaxing Turkey Day.

frustration. 
its the inability to obtain an objective as planned.


frustration, followed by anger, followed by a feeling of defeat that once again the objective has not come into fruition as planned. or has YET to come into fruition as planned. 


then decision time. time to decide to keep pushing forward in the original direction (try, try again) or. alternate the course of action to ultimately achieve the aforementioned objective (we have all heard the definition of insanity). 


so. stay the course? stay the course. 


perhaps a change in expectation of fruition is what ultimately needs to be changed. 
that. 
and. 
my lioness raw (aka whip crackin') may need a tune up. 




breathe.
deep.


i'm keepin my eyes on the prize. 

LIFE. CAMERA. ACTION.

we are the main character in our own movie.

the ironic thing is that the main character never understands why. they don't see it coming. they don't see just how screwed up they are.

and yet, the audience can see it from a mile away. they can see it coming. they know just where to place the blame. and no matter how loud the audience yells at the screen; the character will never hear them.

its a revelation that cannot be told to the character. though we try to tell other's their faults, guide them or rescue them, it will never be understood, received well or gratified.

why?

because we are the main character in our own movie. and it's my movie.

TESTING, TESTING, 1, 2, 3...

They say hindsight is always 20/20. We make the excuse that we were young, naive or the pertinent information was just not available at the time. Going forward how do you implement your new found knowledge of the world?

Unlike school, it's not a lesson plan that is taught, studied and learned and then we are tested... we are tested and then we learn. This process of testing and learning is repeated until we no longer exist. What is so humbling about this idea is it's revelation is can bring. The repeated testing is not an idea of being beaten or battery but challenges. Be tested and pass!

Sharpen your skill set. Instead of reactive become pro active. Anticipate moves by understanding who you are working with. Know. Know who you surround yourself with. Take a fine tooth comb to who you interact with while at work and play. What do you talk about? What activities do you partake in? What do THEY talk about and partake in? How are these topics/activities shaping you and what reactive/proactive moves are you making?

Remember this IS a test.

Live without regard

I may not always have it figured out.
I may wake up too late and just throw my hair in a bun, wipe the sleeps from my eyes and come into the office.
I may yearn for something but don't know what.
I may feed my boredom with food at times.
I may use a large pillow to simulate another soul laying next to me.
I may forget to brush my teeth on day's I've spent hours getting ready.
I may blow on my coffee for an insufficient amount of time before burning the shit out of my mouth.
I may blow on my coffee for an exaggerated and borderline inappropriate amount of time before taking the tiniest sip of my coffee.
I may not always have it figured out.
I may have some off-the-wall ideas.
I may disregard your discern for those same ideas.
I may try.
I may fail.
I may savor.
I may not always have it figured out.
I may risk.
I may reward.
I may learn.
I may love.
I may learn.
I may not always have it figured out.
I may fuck up.
I may suck up.
I may be brutally honest.
I may watch.
I may dance.
I may cry.
I may cry while dancing.
I may laugh.
I may not always have it figured out.
but I will always live with out regard.

The Crush Rush

Ever just take a step back and look at your life. As it is right now. View yourself in 3rd person? The good, bad and fucked up? Try and see your life through a different perspective? Remove your inner thoughts and motivations and just look at the actions. Notice a pattern?

I do this often. What I like to dissect are the inner workings of my life. Take career, social or fashion sense. What do other's see in me? What can I learn from it? Is it how I want to be perceived? Are there area's of notification I had not noticed in myself?

It doesn't take much to just slip into this thought processes for me anymore because I do it all the time. I just had an unusual revelation: when it comes to relations with the opposite sex, it's all about the newest challenge.

I set my sights on the most challenging (or what I deem the most challenging at the time). The challenge is to reverse the situation. I see, I want, I get, I move on. It's all about the challenge now. I'm a challenge junkie. There is a sort of rush to it all.

So, what happens when someone worth keeping around, comes around? Has he already came and gone? Will I know he's a keeper? Will the challenge be reciprocated? Will it be reversed, meaning will I have to challenge myself to stay?

Only time will tell, I'm told.

moment.montage

mode.motivated.

mantra.movement.

music.more.

money.most.

mountains.managed.

mellow.much.

manse.monaco.

manifest.madam.

had a meeting tonight. came back with some amazing tunes to check out. they have (both) been enlightening. 

people can't shock you. you can shock yourself. proof is in the details. reading between the lines is a valuable tool. 

obsession can cloud your vision. obsession is temporary. vision is innate. 

when the clouds clear. there will be your vision.

there is no team in I. so clear yourself of obsessions. and focus.

Fame & Fortune

When I was younger I was often asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The answer would vary form week to week. I could never pin one down. But I have always known I wanted to be famous. Now, I associated fame with a talent, be it acting, signing, dancing or otherwise. It was not for a lack of trying... I have tried them all, but sadly I never found my niche.

So after years of trial and significant error, I choose the career that involved the one thing I always enjoyed: commercials. Ah, the marketing and advertising world. Not very glamorous but it does entertain me and I do find joy in it.

At 25 I have found my realistic-dream job, for my age, education and physical presences on the map. On the drive in today the thought of red carpets, flashing lights, fancy dresses, awards, big houses, endless swimming pools and expensive cars flooded my mind.

My analytical self stepped in at this point. What was it that I was really wanting. Was it the fame? Was it the money? Was it just more exciting than my morning commute? Would I be happier--we don't even have to answer this question. How about satisfied?

To be honest I still want to be famous and something I realized is now there are celebs who are famous for no reason at all. They are famous for being themselves.

Its genius: Be famous for being me! Work on being famous for being me and be open to getting everything I ever wanted.

"Seek fame, because the fortune will come" -- be the best at what you are and those who recognize your talents will pay you for them.

Namaste

I have realized I have fallen by the way side of my blogging. Life has taken over and I haven't taken the precious time to reflect. This luxury shall be a daily activity -- whether it is blogging, meditating or simply working out-- it is evident that I need to get back my "Me" time.

With my recent purchase of Beyonce's new album 4; I was left exposed. Exposed in the fact that I am not living with every intention of my mind, body and soul.

To live wholly and simply.
To appreciate the world for the beauties is possesses and find brilliance in its simplicities and complexities alike.
To love without fear.
To let your soul shine.
To be here, present, everyday; organically.
To know that when you die, your soul will be kept intact by the memories shared.

This is me. I am here. I will love.

Happy New Years Eve!

It is that wonderful time of reflection, reconsideration, and reconfiguring. Like the ball that will be dropping here shortly, we all sense an air of urgency to "fix" are whoa's of this past year. All the to-do's and the over indulgence, the didn't have time for's and the excuses we gave into will ideally and miraculously no-longer haunt us at the strike of 12. I do find the resolutions a bit over exaggerated this year and to no ones shock few will manifest. Do yourself a favor. Look deep inside and find what it is you truly need. If its change then be sincere. If its simply finding your way -- get clarity before you change the one thing that is best about you and leave the rest.

For me, this year will no have a resolution. Nothing to be broken or forget, 2011 will have a theme: to simply FOLLOW my heart and bloom.

I will leave you with a quote that struck me recently "If you want to be what you've never been, you have to do what you've never done."

Go forth in this new year and be.who.you.were.born.to.be.

All Smiles!

WHAT a beautiful day, today has been!
From the weather to the activities of the day.

Woke up and test drove the new XJ Jaguar and 2011 Range Rover... both stunning vehicles! I was thought I would be torn but the Range Rover won my heart! Its rugged capabilities combined with the elegance and sophistication suited me like a glove! The Jag was supremely luxurious however and quite surprising to me, just a little too much for my tastes. ... Now if I could only find a man with the same ideologies as the Range... We'd be in business! haha

Another beautiful part of today has been the ultimate freedom! No meetings, no clocking in, no alarms, no commitments; simply me. I have been reflect on my achievements over the last three months and appreciate all that the world has given. I feel more healthy, beautiful, successful, independent, radiant than ever before. All the while still maintaining the idea that I am always on the presuppose of something great. Its enlightening and motivating simultaneously.

I weighed it at an even 205 today. I have already lost 45 lbs and 38 inches. Currently shopping the size 12 options. Just purchased my first fitted button-up top in a size Large and there's plenty of room! It's strange when clothing fits in the areas I used to consider a problem area. You know the one area that if its too small it's going to be in the ___ (arms, butt, thighs, calves, shoulders, you name it). My problem areas have shifted. My current problem area is my rear. I never thought of my butt as big-- no matter what size I was. Now I'm finding pants slide right past my calves with ease, through my thighs and fall short of the booty... "Almost there!" -- It's good to know I haven't lost my ass yet! I am VERY thankful I have had an even weight loss. Maintaining proportions can be very difficult, especially when you leave the weight loss up to your body.

I will leave you with my new favorite quote: "The important thing is not where you are or where you where its where you want to get."

porch blog #1:

its late. i know this.
don't judge me.

im enjoying the summer's eve.
outside. relaxing.
after a night that could have been SO much more.

lessons learned this Friday evening:
*even when you call a delicious looking man as yours... he still is not yours.
*no matter how hard you try to convince your friends to "let loose"... the decision to "let loose" is still at their discretion.
*a flask will only carry you so far.
*Life is still being lived, every day we exists.
*a PORCH is what was missing from last summer...
* the winds of change never blow in the same direction.

Good night and good luck.

#'s game

24. Its a number that has scarred me for years.
24. Was the number of years my mother experienced prior to becoming a mother.
24. Was the age of my mother when her husband was killed.

What will 24 bring for me?

60,000 issues printed
20,000 subscriptions delivered
1 full page photo

600 Facebook fans
90 days until show time
$0 in sponsorship

24. A new city and career. Fame and Fashion. Love?

"Rows and Flows of Angel Hair, an Ice Cream Castle in the Air...

... So many things I would have done, but clouds got in the way. " -Joni Mitchell

Self reflection is a beautiful thing. And it is always interesting what can spark that reflection; a song, a house, a look, a smile. Where have you been, what have you done, why have you made the choices you have? And most importantly what have you learned from it.

Some recently asked me what I was looking for out of life, love and how the two will co-exist. And I didn’t have an answer. His response was to figure it out. Without knowing what I’m looking for, I will never find it. Such wise words, from such a young man.

I drove past the house that I almost bought three years ago. I saw the pumpkins on the door step, the broken-down Bonneville in the driveway, and the coiled up yellow-hose on the side of the house. If you would have asked me what I wanted out of life and love and how the two would co-exist, back then, my answer would have been much simpler than it is today. A dog, a boy, a roommate or two and job that made it all possible. Pretty simple, huh?

I would like to say I have moved on from simple. Simple was who I was and simplicity is something I appreciate, however, to be simple is not where my dreams can be experienced nor appreciated.

p.s. Have a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and if I don’t post before, Happy New Years!

nothing like a little lonely rain and a glass of wine on a monday night

I have built a wall so thick, women envy and men don’t understand. No one gets in, and I don’t get hurt. It has never been broken down and I like it that way. I can “love” you from a distance and when all is said and done I’m still protected. So when you hurt, I don’t. When you wonder what I’m doing, you’re far from my mind. When you cry, I laugh. When you call, I watch it go to voicemail. I wonder if you’ll leave a message, but even if you did I still wouldn’t call you back.

You’ve flanked my wall.

How the hell did you flank my wall? Why am I wondering what you doing, now? Why am I crying, now? Why do I replay that damn video on my phone just to see your goofy nose and hear you make that goofy voice? You remember one from Easter? I’m laughing in the background—the happy laugh-- that kills me. Why do those details of intimate moments flood my mind right before I close my eyes at night? I see you everywhere we used to be and wonder where you are now. I miss your voice, your gentle touch, your lips. I miss the way you squeeze me tight in the middle of a hug. It’s been so long, so why now? Why am I the one missing you and you have a wall so thick?

Fall is in Order

On my walk here today I notice something.
I must say this is the earliest I have ever noticed.
(Usually my rate of observation on this particular thing is quite late, until blatantly obvious.)

The trees have started their decent into fall.

Funny how trees have a highlighted awareness for the chill in the air just before the turn. They prepare and ready themselves for the brutal winter. But I don't poses such skills.

A young tree, who's frost came early. ouch.

__________________

Life has seemed to be a bit hairly lately. grown-up shit.
I guess I can't ignore them anymore-- time to face the demons.

One Hand in my Pocket...

Patsy Cline plays in the background, bearded college kids hover over their macbooks, and intellectuals clamor over the latest Harry Potter movie. Ah the coffee house. The most granola of coffee houses in Lincoln Nebraska. It’s the closest I can get to New York (outside of my studio apartment glued to all six seasons of sex and the city). The attendants even give you shit if you don't show your face at least once a month. Accusing you of taking drips from other tasteless brewing houses. But even the walk itself, down to the coffee house also make it semi-New York; with the tallest buildings topping off at the 20th floor, line 13th street from my small studio to re-caffeination-heaven. With each passing day my passion for finding myself in New York grows deeper. I recently ran across (and by run across I mean frantically looked for) my pictures from my one-and-only trip to NY thus far. I was all of 15 and in a day dream the entire time. I was drunk with excitement, mesmerized by the sea of yellow cabs, the ear piercing sirens, and in love with the buildings that have brunch with the sun. A world so hectic it could only be called New York. And from New York to Nebraska, one picture has detain my enthusiasm and has found a place on my fridge in my small New York-like studio.


Authors note: as cliche as the I Heart NY is, I (in my older state of mind) find it imperative that the first trip to the city should include an investment in the 50/50 blend $15 shirt. And (in my younger stated of mind) found it too cliche to bring myself to purchase. (Really?!)

Over due Post: Final Notice

My sincerest apologies for the delay in posts. I have been quite busy since the last word was typed. So here is an agenda for the topics to be discussed today:

1. apartment, update
2. love department
3. career moves
4. higher education
5. love/depression for rain
6. tan lines
7. SPRING is SPRINGING!
8. photo opp
9. jet lagged
... lets begin...

1. Apartment, updated: Today marks the official two month mark for leaving the nest. Still very organized (of course), clean (double of course) and empty fridge syndrome. Yes, a struggling college student can have a very sweet apartment and yet still have a very empty fridge. I do have all the condiments tho-- don't you worry, all name brand as well-- because those taste the best, duh.

Thus far I have killed three (yes, 3) fish. Harold lived 2 days, Hinkley made it just past the 24 hr mark and Lucky Bastard (who didn't turn out to be so lucky) lived a measly 17 hrs. The Fish Store (from whom I purchased all three fish) thinks I'm a crazed Fantail Goldfish killer. Please don't suggest I get a Beta, because not only will you be the um-teenth person to suggest it but it will be the um-teenth time I have told someone I HATE Betas (and no, I don't think they are pretty...)!

2. Love Department: The date with Love Library did land a second date but I stopped returning calls after that. It was a mad scientist I was not mad for. However, a prior intrigue (those may remember the fling around New Years) suddenly flooded my thoughts. He had been out of town for training for the last two months and curiosity struck if might be back. A friendly text turned into a returned friendly call that turned into a few more friendly call/texts, turned an intrigue into a boyfriend. Yesterday was the oh-so-coveted three week point. He has two children and an ex-wife but he is a great father, a respectful man, and a good human being. His judgment is level headed, his way with money is conservative and views of marriage, family and lifestyle match mine. I am being cautious with my heart and honest with my feelings. My fear is not of falling in love but of failing to see it coming (this might be the one occasion I don't appreciate a surprise). But of course this is just the third week of the relationship, we have a lot of "getting to know you" done. (it works best if you sing the "getting to know you"...)

3. Career Moves: I have spoken with a few members of the Lincoln Arts Council. They will be taking my nomination to the May meeting for executive board member. I would be the youngest on the board but that's exactly what they are looking for. I have a lot of what they are looking for and they can give me some good connections/networking opportunities as well. I have really good feelings about this one. :)

4. Higher Education: It is the end of dead week which means finals week is only two days away. I am lucky (?) enough to have my only paper, final exam (essay), and quiz on Monday. YAY, me. AND when finals are done... SUMMER school. You should be jealous...

5. Love & depression for rain: Rain is great but a full seven days of it can make a girl depressed. And that's exactly what happened. The last 48 hrs contained a lot of crying. But the bestest friend in the world made me cupcakes. The world is a much better place with cupcakes- yellow cake with chocolate frosting cupcakes. Its amazing what booze, best friends, cupcakes and perhaps a little sunshine can do.

6. Tan lines: Speaking of sun! Prior to all this damn rain was some very hot-n-sunny days. I have found my weekend spot for tanning over the summer (forget tanning beds, gross). The campus fountains- if its too hot, just take a dip and keep that tan up. The only downer is some major tan lines. Tank tops, bra straps its a mess, but I will cope some how. :)

7. SPRING is SPRINGING: Today is May 1st. weird. Its hard to believe the date, and hard to believe the trees have leaves BUT it is and they do! I'm loving it--

8. Photo Opp: I have sold my official third piece of work. The score: Art Show=2, Noyse=0, Zen's= 1. Time of display's Art Show=3 hrs. Noyse= 3 mo., Zen's= 1 mo.

9. Jet Lagged: Over the last two months I have traveled to Scottsdale AZ as well as the ever-crazy New Orleans LA (we should have just stayed on Bourbon street) and will be making the great voyage with Julia and Jenna to Oshkosh this month. Stay tuned for endless enjoyment that is my life...

Cheerios for dinner

Sometimes when you get everything you want it seems undeserved. While gratitude is something that I value very much as I sit in my very own apartment my confidence is slipping slowly. And amusingly there is no one to tell or express my lack of confidence. I have succumbed to my own fears in my own corner of the world. I can sit on the couch that I paid for eating cheerio’s that I paid for; slurp the excess milk from the bowl that I paid for at eleven at night. But the memory of the three of them sitting there with a look of sadness and confusion burns into my soul and asks the question: what is it really worth?